Speaking of lame as fuck, Jeremy, your boyfriend posted this epic-sneer-inducing drivel on his facebook at 12:26am on February 23rd (I kept track of the specific time and date just in case I decide to pursue legal action against him for wasting my time with this heaving pile of horseshit).
Well ok, maybe heaving pile of horseshit is a bit much. But it's bad. And annoyingly so. It's the kind of bad where you think it's going to be good, it seems like it's perfectly enjoyable, and then "Awwwwwwww man! Why the fuck did you have to do that?" Kind of like 2 Girls 1 Cup. Yeah, that's right. I linked it.
Ok, so maybe not that severe. We'll call this hyperbole night.
Anyway, on to the point.
Wait, first let me run a virus check after going to that website.
Ok back.
So the article in question is written by one Tracy McMillan. She claims, in her thrice-divorced excursions through the ins and outs of matrimony, to know why "you're" ("you" being here defined as your average professional single woman, most likely in the late-20s-to-early-30s demographic) not married. In every instance she brings up she seems as though she's giving perfectly reasonable advice . . . until she veers into some massive 1950s stereotype or logically inconsistent generalizations about men.
So, on to her reasons (FYI, this post is not going to make much sense if you do not actually read the article in question. Just click on the link above. NO, NOT THAT ONE!):
"1. You're a Bitch." ZOMG Trace! Ur so meeen! She starts this off in a seemingly clever fashion: ". . . you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin."
Hehe, so funnies. Wait, what's this? "And it's scaring men off." Now, maybe you thought in the beginning that she was going to go on about bitterness that your wit and intellect have been underappreciated while the bubbly cheerleader with a larger cupsize gets all the male attention or some shit, but no, it turns out that men are just terrified of women who express non-positive emotions:
"The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape."But have no fear, you're learning useful skills by keeping all of those scary emotions in check: "Female anger terrifies men.I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife."
Exactly! I only know two shallow caricatures of female emotions - the "Leave It to Beaver" disbelieving mom headshake when hearing a lie about hitting the baseball through the living room window, and the "Oh my god! Yes! I totally would love for you to ejaculate in my eyes!" smile of the porn star. Any female emotion experienced outside of that begins to overload my primitive female understanding receptors and causes me revert to an automatic fear response, usually resulting in me playing possum, but occasionally causing me to sprint . . . at least until I get tired or distracted by thoughts of porn.
"2. You're Shallow." FYI Trace (I like Trace, I feel it builds intimacy between us. Plus I know you won't get bad at me calling you that, because that would scare me off), my sister claims that accusatory statements that begin with "You are" are not an effective method of communication. She has a communication degree too, so I suppose that should lend some credit to the statement. She does show anger in front of men sometimes, though, so what does she know, amirite?
Actually, to be fair, this section is not as egregious as the rest. It's also the one that's most likely to apply to both sexes. Most likely these two facts are not coincidental. Anyway, essentially she exhorts women to stop thinking about how tall or rich or super hot the guy they want to be with should be, and instead focus on what really matters: character.
"3. You're a Slut." Now, by "slut," Trace means any person who has sex outside of monogamous relationships, because Trace is evidently a Salafist Mullah. Jk, it's totally not something silly like that; it's because women can't have sex just for fun because the moment a penis enters their vaginas they start imagining themselves dressed as pretty princesses in wedding gowns and cradling babies in their arms while cooing sweet little nursery rhymes. And unicorns!
"4. You're a Liar." This one's actually completely valid. Basically, if you want a relationship, and the person you are speaking to just wants to have sex, do not lie to him (or her, if you're a guy; funny how all of Trace's best points seem to come out when she's not pulling this "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" bullshit) and say you're cool with just sex. The other person is not going to suddenly change their minds. You are only hurting yourself. Good job Trace!
"5. You're Selfish."
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s[hi]t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios. [emphasis in original]Jeez, Trace, there's just so many issues with this one . . .
First, where the hell is it written that a "wife" must always think of others? I mean, really, does marriage have to entail complete sacrifice of one's individuality? By virtue of the fact that there are enough women desiring of marriage that the Huffington Post would believe there to be a market for reading this shit, I find it hard to believe that the institution of marriage provides nothing more than erasure of self and a lifetime of servitude to others and sacrifice of one's own pleasures.
Second, while you do skirt the outer reaches of progressivism with your statement that women who desire children and see no problem with having one out of wedlock should do so without Mr. Right if necessary, your claim that "Your husband will be along shortly" is, uh, false. Well, not just false. Let me put it this way: when I find out that a woman has a child, I grab whatever happens to be in the hands of the nearest Jamaican wearing running shorts and sprint as fast as my little legs can carry me. Again, I agree that women should have children if that's what they really want, but claiming that this is going to attract a husband by, as you imply, openly demonstrating a nurturing nature, while a pleasantly wishful thought, is completely and demonstrably false.
"6. You're Not Good Enough." "Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job." Awwwwww, Trace, that's so sweet! It's actually true, too. Again, it could apply to either gender. What a great final point.
Oh, wait, you want to say something more: "Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives." [emphasis in original] Oh, I see. So lack of confidence in oneself is not an issue in and of itself, but rather is only a problem because your lack of confidence will totally make you a lousy wife. You selfish bitch! Hating yourself is making things hard for your man! What's wrong with you?
Speaking of the man: "You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this." Ah, yes! Smart men! They are so intelligent and selective, and desiring of raising another man's babies with a nurturing woman. There's just something about the y chromosome that predisposes us to intelligence, understanding, perception of the female mindset, and fatherhood. Not at all like those 13-year-old brain capacity sloped-forehead neanderthals from section 1.
So yeah, I could come up with some amazing, glitteringly witty conclusion to this, but I find it hard to top what was written by Patty Alvayay in the comments section:
"I find it hard to take advice from a woman who has been married three times, I am not sure why being divorced three times is better than never being married at all. All those reason listed above are also reasons for divorce. Isn't it better to be single than marry the wrong person? Maybe instead of writing an article about what is wrong with single women she should write about what is wrong with divorced women and why they can't hold a stable relationship (I don't really believe this but I am trying to make a point about insulting single women over divorced women). She should try focusing on herself and change aspects about her personalit y so she doesn't start on divorce number four!"
